Caution: My true feelings ahead! :O

OMG SOO FREAKING ADORABLE!

Now that my adorable babies video has sucked you in, be prepared to waster your time! :D

There's no turning back.
Well, I suppose you could just hit the "back" button.
Or just close the browser.
Or turn off the computer.
Find something else to do?
Leave?
Get a life?
Ok, I'm done.

Turn off the power??


Alright, here comes the boring stuff. The actual blog part.
And I think I finally can put a definition to a blog:
It is a mainstream, overly used, excruciatingly overly expressed Facebook status. But with more words.
And even less people care about it.

My day? Aced a Sophomore English final, passed my AP Bio final (WOOT!), came home, played some Battlefield with a good friend (Taelyr shout out!) Its the ultimate team game. So much fun :)
Got off, sat down to study for AP History.
Guess what didn't happen.
Yep! I didn't write a blog.
I also didn't study. I can't even remember what I did instead....
Ate dinner, and went to baseball practice.
Coach says I'm doing fantastic, which has been one of my few personal highlights of recent memory. Words can't express how excited I am for the season to start! Senior season is going to be awesome!
Anyway....
Remember when I said I had few personal highlights? That means I've been herping through this senior year. I can't exactly put a reason why, I've gone through a mental H-E-Double Hockey Sticks (Excuse me coarse language). From mildly depressed, to losing the will to do my favorite things, this year has not been what I had hoped it to be. School wise, I've lost the motivation to do anything, which leads to lower grades, which leads to me thinking "I can do better than this," which leads to me feeling like a failure. See a vicious cycle? I've tried getting out, but I obviously hepred at that too. I guess it all started with a certain someone, and for disclosed reasons, he/she/it may or not be the core of my problems. Long story, and quite frankly, whenever I think about it, I realize I'm just really stupid. I got mentally destroyed over that? Really? It's kinda pathetic.
She (Did I say too much?) came and went so quick, and now I'm sitting here with more questions than blog posts.
My first one is: Why?
Then its: Why did I fall for that?
Followed by: Who's to blame? Me or you?
In a close second: What the hell was that?
Tagged along by: Now you're dating your douche bad ex?
????????????????????

I gave up awhile ago, but when I found out she was taken again by her ex (????) I just went overboard. Deleted her from my life....now it would be awesome if I could delete her from my head.

Slipped right through my fingers (Which has also lead me feel like a complete failure, and once again in the vicious cycle). Now, she's outta my phone, off of my friends list, and I haven't gone to youth group in months. Because of her. Running from the problem? Sadly, yes. But its surprisingly somewhat helpful. I would have loved to try to talk about it, but she's taken now, and its been a few months, so what's the point? Besides, she'll probably just think I'm stupid, and have no idea what I'm talking about. :/
Herp.
So I guess I lied when I said I couldn't find a reason why. There ya have it.

But wait! That's not it!
Sadly, there's more.
The past month I've completely regretting a thing I did a year ago. I'm not gonna forget it. I was such a dick to her, and if she hates me I wouldn't blame her.
But it's been almost a year (Yes, I remember the exact date...) and I haven't felt this bad about it since I did it.  And since then I've been just terrible. Worst day of my life. I've already explained how my life is a fail, so I probably won't go into detail of my epic fail that day. God, I hate myself for that.
Pretty much, I broke up with her, and didn't talk to her again. With the sporadic text conversations.... I'll be the first admit to say I screwed up hardcore. I feel terrible for it. I managed through the first month, and the rest was relatively smooth sailing. I've seen her twice since then, and both times we didn't speak to each other. Once again, mostly my fault. We talked to each other 2 weeks? ago, and that's when I started feeling bad. I caught up in all the things we did for the 6 months we dated, and it ate at me. And I just kept thinking about how I destroyed it. Probably the worst decision ever? Thought about it, and yes. The outcome would be the same (I couldn't live a lie with her anymore), I just would have done it differently. What I did was completely immature. I hate myself for how it unfolded. I tried talking to her again, but it was obvious she didn't want to at all. I'm trying to get enough of me to try it again, I'm just super hesitant. It would have been a year since we last talked about it. I've been trying to find a good time too....
So I stopped talking to her after that. And yes, I've hated myself for it. And for this senior year in general. I would restart this WHOLE year in an instant. Yes, not just senior year. The whole year. Maybe if I don't screw up the second time, things will be better? There's so many things I would do differently. All this pain has been eating at me since the school year started. Not good timing with finals. But hey, with barely studying I've pulled off two 90's, and an 81 in AP Bio (which is pretty much an A :)!
Crazy right? Me? Sad? When was the last time you saw me sad for more than an hour?
I don't think I EVER show my true feelings. I've been masking it this whole year. Bet you couldn't tell, huh? I'm just that good. Unhealthy? Probably. But it helps, I guess.
Every day. With a mask on. Not as bad as you think. I mean, it's kinda hard with my friends. I can't stay unhappy at school. It's impossible. Someone is always doing something that will make me laugh. Which makes me forget the bad times.
So I guess my friends are my drug.

So yep. That's most of my emotional pain for the past year, in a nutshell.
Stay tuned, another girl may even jump into the fray!
Nope! Chuck Testa.

Again, my friends are great. I love them so much. Without them this year would have been more than hell. I wouldn't trade them for anything. And I know I haven't told them this, they kinda have some of it figured out. They keep me going. Its awesome.

Whoa. Did I just pour out my head onto this blog? And my new record for longest blog! And longest blog filled with stuff no one will care about :) This blogging thing is becoming really fun.....
Man, this felt great. Finally being able to express what my head is going through has helped me vent.
Best part? Nobody reads this! :O
If you do, here's the side of me you've never known.
That day feels like yesterday.
But, hey, I'll get by. I have so far haven't I? Things can only get better right?
It's gonna be hard, but I'll get through it.

Jeremiah 29:11
Joshua 1:9

Ian Quote of the Day: "It's not Bismarck, it's BOSSmarck."